Drill Sargeant Heero
by Ravena Kaiou
Summary: A toothache leads poor Heero on a nerve-racking journey to the dentist's office. (It's funnier than it sounds.)


Drill Sargeant Heero  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
Author: Ravena Kaiou  
Email: KakyuuStarLt@aol.com  
Genre: Fluff/Comedy  
Anime: Gundam Wing  
uRating:/u PG-13br  
uWarnings:/u Shounen-ai (gotta love that 1x2), language, mild OOC. Don't like the idea of two guys being together romantically? Please, read no further.br  
Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Gundam Wing, Lucky Charms, Yellow Submarine, Mrs. Doubtfire, or Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, and probably never will. Gundam Wing is owned by Bandai, Sunrise, and a bunch of other people I don't know. Lucky Charms is owned by General Mills, I think, and, well, we all know that the American Broadcasting Company (ABC) owns Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Mrs. Doubtfire and Yellow Submarine are owned by the people who made them. And again! YES! I KNOW THE PILOTS ARE NOT GAY! *dies a slow, painful death*  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
It had been a halfway-normal evening. Quatre and Trowa were discussing   
classic literature, Wu Fei was watching television and screaming at the   
newest contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire ("VIETNAM, YOU BAKA ONNA!   
VIETNAM!!!"), and Duo and Heero....well....they were up to their usual   
activities.  
  
In fact, at that moment, Duo was running his tongue across the roof of   
Heero's mouth and teeth. Everything was going perfectly, until the braided   
boy hit a certain molar.  
  
A paroxysm of pain caused Heero's mouth to clamp shut, catching Duo's   
tongue between his pearly whites.  
  
"AHHHH! AHHHHH!!! DAMMIT!" Duo screeched in a somewhat garbled manner.   
Quickly, Heero released the other boy's tongue, and grabbed at his own jaw.  
  
"Hee-chan? What's the matter?" Duo asked as he frantically tried to stop   
the bleeding.  
  
"It's muh toof," Heero mumbled. (Translation: It's my tooth.)  
  
"Ohhhh....one too many of our strawberry desserts, ne?" Duo asked with a smirk.   
  
Heero responded with a swift kick to his lover's lower regions.  
  
As the chestnut-haired pilot lay on the ground, hunched over with tears   
running down his face, Heero put his shorts back on and walked out to the   
kitchen to do something he never had before.  
  
He picked up the phone....and called the dentist.  
  
"Hello! Dr. Merquise's office! Lucrezia speaking!" a cheerful sounding   
receptionist chirped through the earpiece.  
  
Wincing only partially because of his tooth, Heero cleared his throat and   
spoke in the flattest tone he could manage. "I need an appointment with Dr.   
Merquise," he informed her.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Merquise is all filled up for tomorrow. And the day   
after that. In fact, I suppose I could pencil you in on.....January 14th, AC   
196?"  
  
Heero looked at the calendar. Today was July 26th, AC 195.  
  
"Listen, this is an emergency. If I don't get him to pull this tooth in   
the next two days, a whole lot of people are going to die," he hissed into   
the reciever.  
  
"Sir, you know, I think we just had a cancellation for tomorrow morning,"   
the receptionist stuttered. "Is 8:30 am all right with you?"  
  
"Hai," he answered. "The name's....er....." At this, Heero looked around   
nervously. He couldn't give her his real name, lest he be tracked down and   
killed. His Prussian blue eyes caught a newspaper headline which read:   
"Police doubt fire was arson."  
  
"Doubtfire. Heero Doubtfire," he continued, then hung up the phone   
before the annoying receptionist could say any more.  
  
As he trudged back upstairs to go to sleep, he could still hear Wu Fei in   
the living room, letting out a string of Chinese curses. "DAMMIT! IT'S THE   
ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR QUESTION AND YOU'VE GOT TO PHONE A FRIEND?! I BET YOU   
DON'T EVEN HAVE A REAL FRIEND, YOU BAKA!!!!" he screeched.  
  
Shaking his head sadly, Heero made his way up to bed and crawled under   
the covers. After several hours of futile attempts to fall asleep, he   
relented and lay on his back, staring up at the dark ceiling like a condemned   
man. Who knew what horrors awaited him in Dr. Merquise's office?  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
"Hee-chan," Duo's voice whispered silkily in his partner's ear. "It's   
time to wake up...."  
  
Heero's eyes snapped open. "Die, you Oz bastards!" he yelled as he   
whipped around and caught Duo in the jaw with his powerful left hook.  
  
The braided boy fell backwards and rubbed his injured jaw. "OW! Remind   
me never to be intimate with YOU again!" he whined as he scuttled out.  
  
Reluctantly, Heero got out of bed, took his shower, and walked back out   
to his closet. Throwing open the doors, all he found was a pair of black   
spandex shorts and a green tanktop.  
  
"Dammit, why doesn't anyone ever do the laundry around here?!" he   
grumbled as he put on his clothes and walked downstairs.  
  
Sitting on the kitchen table was a new box of Frosted Lucky Charms.   
Heero's favorite.  
  
"That little leprechaun has done it again," he said gleefully as he   
rubbed his hands together and moved in for the kill.  
  
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" a voice cut shrilly through the not-so-still   
morning air. "Touch that box of marshmallowy goodness and I'll shoot you   
down like the dog that you are!"  
  
"Hn?" Heero grunted as he turned around. Wu Fei was pointing a gun at   
him with one hand and holding the television remote in the other.  
  
"Yuy, for the last seven hours I have been watching one of those stupid   
American game shows. And for the last seven hours I have had to deal with   
endless IDIOCY!" he hissed. "Now I've had it up to HERE with you senseless   
people!"  
  
As he said that last sentence, he made an upward gesture with his hand,   
causing the gun to fire a bullet into the ceiling and send plaster showering   
down on the two of them.  
  
Before anything could be said, Wu Fei shuffled off into the living room   
again, mumbling something about Regis Philbin and Barry Manilow.  
  
Cautiously, Heero made his way over to the unguarded box of cereal and   
peered inside.   
  
It was empty. Except for a note, which read:  
  
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU, YOU IDIOT?! STAY AWAY FROM THAT MARSHMALLOWY   
GOODNESS!!!! WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR COMMON SENSE?! Love, Wu Fei"  
  
With a slight moan of disappointment, Heero crumpled up the paper and   
threw it into the trash can. No time for breakfast anyway. He had an   
appointment to keep.  
  
Now Heero found himself in front of Dr. Merquise's office. It's just a   
dental appointment, he reassured himself. I'm the Perfect Soldier, not a   
Pretty Soldier.  
  
With a deep breath, he opened the door and stepped inside.  
  
The walls of the waiting area were covered in happy suns-and-moons   
wallpaper. Children sat in one corner of the room, playing with a box of   
decrepit old toys. To make matters worse, ancient copies of Highlights for   
Kids littered the entire area. Not a single Popular Mechanics or Sports   
Illustrated in sight.  
  
Heero walked up to the receptionist's window. "I'm Heero Doubtfire,   
checking in for my appointment.....I think......" he said in a confused tone.  
  
"Oh, hello Mr. Doubtfire!" that familiar chirpy voice said from the other   
side of the glass. "The doctor will be with you in a moment. Just fill out   
these forms for me, okay?"  
  
Grudgingly, Heero took the humongous stack of papers from the   
sickeningly-cheerful woman and sat down to fill them out.  
  
About fifty signatures later (and the onset of what he was sure was   
carpal tunnel syndrome), the nurse came out with a clipboard. "Heero?" she   
asked uncertainly.  
  
Swallowing hard, the Perfect Soldier took one last look around the   
waiting room and stepped through the doorway to the treatment room.  
  
"Please have a seat," the nurse said in a slightly coarser tone than the   
receptionist had used. "I'm Relena, I'll be checking you out before the   
doctor comes in," she explained flatly.  
  
Heero only nodded.  
  
"You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" she asked, taking out a pack of   
Marlboro's and a lighter.  
  
Raising an eyebrow, the patient replied that no, he did not.  
  
"Whatever," she shrugged as she lit up and inhaled the   
three-hundred-and-twelve carcinogens found in cigarette smoke.  
  
After about ten minutes of the nurse's tobacco use, Heero was starting to   
feel a bit nauseous. Luckily, she put the cigarette out in the basin near   
the chair and began her examination.  
  
"Now, tell me if this hurts," she instructed him as she inserted her   
finger into his mouth and prodded around each tooth.  
  
"Nothing yet...no....uh-uh......HOLY SHIT!!!!!!" he screamed as she hit   
that one molar.  
  
"Now, Mr. Doubtfire, there's no need for profanity," she scolded as she   
pulled out a plaque-scraper device.  
  
Inwardly, Heero cried.  
  
But before the obnoxious woman could stick the sharp metal object into   
his mouth, the unearthly beautiful Dr. Merquise stepped through the door.   
"Nurse Relena, I presume that this is my patient?" he asked in a sexy voice.  
  
"Yeah, that's him," she said apathetically as she left.  
  
Sighing, Dr. Merquise closed the door behind Relena. "You'll have to   
excuse Relena. She's not in a good mood today."  
  
Heero resisted the urge to ask if the woman was ever in a good mood.  
  
"Now, I hear your wisdom tooth is causing you trouble. I'll just take a   
look," he explained in that same sexy voice that made Heero quiver with joy.  
  
Dr. Merquise picked up the plaque scraper that, as far as Heero could   
tell, was destined to inflict pain on him at some point that day. "This   
might hurt a little bit. But please, bear with it," the gorgeous doctor told   
his patient.  
  
As he rubbed the metal device against the offending tooth, Heero could   
feel no pain. He was numb with the fantasies this doctor was forcing him to   
have.  
  
"Well now, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Merquise smiled as he set the   
plaque scraper down. "However, I'm afraid that you're going to have to have   
that tooth removed."  
  
Against his will, Heero turned a bit pale. Dr. Merquise laughed. "Your   
first time having a tooth pulled, ne? Don't worry, I'll be gentle," he   
promised.  
  
Heero thought of all the other things Dr. Merquise might be gentle at.  
  
"Now, would you like me to go ahead with the surgery today?"  
  
"May as well," Heero said gloomily.  
  
"All right then," Dr. Merquise nodded as he pressed the intercom button   
on the wall. "Nurse Relena? I need you to assist in a surgery, please."  
  
A few minutes later, Heero felt a plastic mask settle over his mouth and   
nose. "All I'm going to do is put you under anesthesia."  
  
Heero was about to comment that the Perfect Soldier didn't need any   
anesthesia, but he felt the nitrous oxide taking effect. Sleepily, he began   
to close his eyes....  
  
Soon he was floating through a dream world. The sky was a brilliant hue   
of pink and cartoonish flowers grew below him as he flew through the air.  
  
A yellow submarine passed by him. "Join us on our quest for the Holy   
Grail," four Sailor Senshi implored him. However, none of them saw the giant   
Tokyo Tower that loomed in front of them until it was too late. "AHHHHH!!!!   
AHHHHHH!!!! TUXEDO MASK! WHERE ARE YOU NOW!" one of them with strange hair   
screamed as she burst into flames with the submarine.  
  
"Hn?" Heero grunted as he blinked a few times.  
  
"Mr. Doubtfire......Mr. Doubtfire......are you with us, Heero?" Dr.   
Merquise's voice cut through the strange dream.  
  
Slowly, Heero came out from under the anesthesia and gazed up into the   
sparkling blue eyes of the dentist. "The surgery's over. Everything went   
well," he notified the still-groggy patient.  
  
"Arigatou, Dr. Merquise," Heero said gratefully as he got up and walked   
over to the receptionist's window to pay. Just his luck, the chirpy woman   
was still there.  
  
"And, Mr. Doubtfire, that will be $600, plus a $25 new patient fee," she   
said happily as she printed out his invoice.  
  
"Er, bill it to me later," Heero told her.  
  
"All right then! Have a nice day, sir!" she said, her eyes sparkling   
with sugary-sweetness.  
  
Nauseated, Heero walked out the door and squinted as the sun shone   
brightly on his face, a harsh change from the soft fluorescent lights he had   
been exposed to in the hour he had been in the dentist's office. But before   
he did that, he dropped something onto one of the chairs.  
  
As he reached a distance of about a hundred yards away from the office, there was a huge explosion, and the entire building went up in a fiery cloud of smoke.  
  
"New patient fee my ass," he snorted as he walked back home, wondering if   
they had any more Frosted Lucky Charms at the hideout. 


End file.
